Shepherd is now 4. And has been for 1 month and 1 day. For his birthday, he wanted to play my Nintendo DS, eat at Chili’s, and go to Safeway.

His party this year was a “Lorax” party. We ate pancakes and marshmallows because well, they eat them in the movie. My kids tend to choose themes that don’t yet exist, so I have to get creative.

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Shepherd Gabriel was born on December 9th, 2008 at 2:26 pm. He was 19 inches long and he weighed 8 pounds, 1 ounce. He was short and fat. When he first entered the world, he didn’t breathe for what probably wasn’t longer than 15 seconds, but it seemed like minutes… But when he finally did start crying, he was loud. And so angry. It completely caught me off guard. Stephen is a calm, well-composed man, and I assumed a son of his would be the same. And his name, Shepherd, conjured up images of a peaceful comforter, full of wisdom, walking through a pasture in hand made sandals. But then this little grumpy baby, Shepherd, started screaming. He had the meanest little face, and he pretty much hated not being in my womb. For days. Weeks. Months. I used to tell Stephen that if I pulled the petals off of a flower and recited, “he loves me, he loves me not…” that it would surely land on not.

Then one day, when he was about 3 months old, I had a breakthrough with this little Benjamin Button. He was looking over his daddy’s shoulder, and I went behind Stephen to kiss my little grump. He stared at me for a second, got this tiny shy smile, and pushed his face into Stephen. Then he peeked up at me, smiled, and shyly hid his face. This went on for a little bit, and I was practically in tears. “HE LOVES ME!! He FINALLY loves me!!” It was like he finally noticed me. I truly believe he fell in love with me at that very moment. I felt it. From that moment on, our late blooming bond formed. It grew and strengthened, and he actually started to become a happier, more content baby.

I think the later bond (which has been hard for me to admit) caused me to baby him for a lot longer. For example, he was potty trained, finally in a big boy, and binky free all  in the same week. Like, last spring… He has a speech disorder, so he needed an interpreter, Lilli. He went to speech therapy until about September. He loved it. We prayed that his speech would improve everyday. He broke our hearts praying that he “could talk like a big boy.” His prayers were answered. After only 26 sessions, he had met and exceeded all of his therapists goals, and she dismissed him months early than the expected date.

Shepherd is living up to his name. Sure, he has grumpy days, whiney days, and naughty days when he needs a time out or two four. But I am honored to have him as my son. I am beyond blessed to have a son who takes after my husband, who years ago, I found so respectable that I told my then boyfriend, “I hope my future sons are like Stephen,” to which he replied, “Me too.” Little did I know, that I would actually HAVE Stephen’s babies…

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Shepherd, I pray that the Lord blesses you. Not in a prosperous, riches and glory sort of way, but in ways that will in turn bless HIM, and glorify and build His Kingdom. I pray for boldness, that you will stand firm on truth without fear or compromise. I pray that you will understand grace at an early age, so that you will always know the peace of God and never have to ”climb to the moon on a rope of sand.” ** I pray that you will be humble and mindful of others, always. That you will give of yourself and have the heart of Jesus.

I love you.

Love, Momma.

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**“Works! Works! A man get to heaven by works! I would as soon think of climbing to the moon on a rope of sand!” Reverend George Whitefield- September 29, 1770.

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1) “You are NOT pretty!!” (Said to Lilli.)

2) “You are not going to Heaven!!” (Said to Lilli.)

3) “You smell bad. Like a dirty sock.” (Said to Lilli.)

4) “You are an ugly word.” (Said to River. He’s not allowed to say ‘ugly words’ like stupid or dumb, so he decided on calling her ‘ugly word.’)

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I have lost my appetite
And a flood is welling up behind my eyes
So I eat the tears I cry (day and nighttime)
And if that were not enough
They know just the words to cut and tear and prod
When they ask me “Whereʼs your God?”

Why are you downcast, oh my soul?
    Why so disturbed within me?
    I can remember when you showed your face to me

As a deer pants for water, so my soul thirsts for you
And when I survey Your splendor, You so faithfully renew
Like a bed of rest for my fainting flesh
I am satisfied in you

When Iʼm looking at the ground
Itʼs an inbred feedback loop that drags me down
So itʼs time to lift my brow
And remember better days
When I loved to worship you and learn your ways
Singing sweetest songs of praise

Let my sighs give way to songs that sing about your faithfulness
Let my pain reveal your glory as my only real rest
Let my losses show me all I truly have is you

So when Iʼm drowning out at sea
And all your breakers and your waves crash down on me
Iʼll recall your safety scheme
Youʼre the one who made the waves
And your Son went out to suffer in my place
And to show me that Iʼm safe
    Why am I down?
    Why so disturbed?
    I am satisfied in you

Words and Music by Brian Eichelberger from The Sing Team

I remember she had the tiniest cry.

And now she’s 5. Tomorrow I take her to school for the first time. I am trying not to lose it here.

I went through photos taken for the past 60 months, and seeing them all together really overwhelms me. There are photos that I would consider recent, but they were taken 2 years ago. I kept checking the dates on a few thinking that they were only taken a few months ago, only to realize that I didn’t make a mistake.

The Lord has truly blessed us with this little lady. She has taught me to love and be a better momma. She is the best big sister to Shepherd and River and she loves Jesus with all of her baby heart. She loves ridiculously tiny toys that she calls “chokables” and protects River from them. She loves glitter and dirt. She’s shy but loves meeting new friends, and she thinks all of her closest friends are her cousins.

My wishes for her are for her to love like Jesus loves and live like Jesus. To graciously give and not feel the need to receive. I want her to be on time, because I never am.  I am determined to make her love her curly hair, because even on a good hair day, I hate mine. I want her to know that Jesus protects her, guides her and holds her heart so that she never has to fear or get hurt. I want her to succeed in ways that are holy and pleasing to the Lord. I want her to feel secure in the love of her family and God. I want her to stand for truth and justice and love every minute of it.

Here she is. A photo from every month of her life.

This last one was taken at St. Clair’s, where she requested to go for her birthday lunch. 

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And now, to keep from weeping, here’s an interview with Lilli.

M: What’s your favorite color?

L: Green.

M: What’s your favorite animal?

L: hmmm… hmmm… bunny rabbits, because they’re cute. What’s your favorite fruit, momma?

M: I like pears.

L: Yummm… I don’t really like pears.

M: What’s your favorite toy?

L: Beautiful guys! And Polly Pockets.

M: Do you know that those are old vintage toys?

L: Yeah, I know.

M: Who’s your best friend?

L: Josephine. Joei is my best friend.

M: Why do you love Joei?

L: Cause she’s my best friend?

M:Are you excited to start kindergarten tomorrow?

L: mm-hmm. What is your favorite animal, mommy?

M: I like okapis.

L: What do they look like?

M: They look kind of like a zebra and giraffe mixed together.

L: Oh.

M: How does it feel to be 5?

L: Hmmm. I like being 5.

M: What do you want to be when you grow up?

L: A grown up… Maybe I will be 6 when I grow up.

SHEP: I will be 4 when I grow up!

L: That’s not very old. 

River and Hannah clearly have no table manners. 

After cleaning all of the girls up, we walked outside to see Hannah playing in and eating soil, as well as Lilli and Sarah playing in the sand box. Apparently, all good tea parties consist of tea and dirt.

River, the juice thief. 

These group shots were only achieved because Susan and Kat were singing. The girls loved it.

I think all River cared about was her juice. Or Hannah’s juice. Just juice.

Lilli and her green bean. 

One would think we were all staring at something amazing. We were all looking at a pug in the neighbor’s backyard, and a homeless cat. 

Okay. Lilli and Sarah wanted to take a picture with my camera. The first one of Hannah was taken by Lilli, the second by Sarah, and the third one of miss Kat, was taken by Sarah. Not too shabby!

Susan, rescuing the ball.

Towards the end of our party, Susan was calling us all out to look at the sky. We laughed at her because she was saying, “Look how blue the sky is!” But once we got out there, and realized that it was 8:15 pm, it made sense. The sky was incredibly blue for being so late. Not to mention it had been gray and overcast prior to that. So, here’s Susan next to the blue sky. haha

Thanks Susan! As I told you already, you throw a mean tea party!

The boys’ camping trip photos to come!

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That night after we all went to get frozen yogurt, we came home to the most amazingly beautiful thunderstorm I have ever seen. The sky was ablaze with an orange glow that lit up the ominous clouds around us. There were a couple of rainbows overhead, and I had a feeling that this was it. This was going to be the night I gave birth. I woke up in the middle of the night with contractions, but after taking a shower, they went away. My little chick passed up her due date. Her glorious, storming due date. I was disappointed, but not surprised. A year later on our due date, the Lord decided to give us another awesome thunderstorm.

She used to be the cuddliest little baby. Now she hates it. 

Shepherd wasn’t feeling well, so he was really moody all day…

Lillian, the photo-bomber.

Lilli’s tattoo placements are always really cool, actually. 

Sister kisses…

Same spot, one year later.

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Two days later, early, early in the morning (4:30 am to be exact), I was in labor. She was only 2 days late, and she was coming fast. After a crazy car ride ride to the hospital, there she was. 2 hours and 45 minutes after I went into labor, I was holding River Eden. On her first birthday, my internal clock was going nuts. I woke up at 4am and thought of where I was a year ago, still asleep. At 4:45 I woke up and figured that a year ago I was just getting out of the shower. 6:00, “We were on our way to the hospital right now, Babe. ” He grunted an “uh-huh.” I fell back asleep but then I automatically woke up at 7:32 when she would have been 20 minutes old. I was remembering that crazy morning. I remembered having Deb walk out of Lilli’s room with her doula scrubs on, I remembered laboring in the red chair in my livingroom when Susan came over in tears, and her telling me that she had seen Michelle Duggar labor like that before. I needed to hear that I think. I felt like I was doing it right. I remembered what seemed like an eternity later, Deb running me down the hallway and me worrying about her heart as she did… I remembered wanting them to put me in delivery room #1 because that’s where I had Lilli and being disappointed for only a second when they wheeled me into #2 instead. I remember that the nurses thought I was just being a sissy. I remembered Deb helping me get into my gown and her putting my socks on me. Memories just came flooding back and I tried to go back to sleep, but I wanted to remember these things. I wanted to remember the first time I saw her face.

And then this is the first face I saw on her birthday.

Everything she did on her birthday, I mentally compared it to something she did on the morning of her birth. First nap, first bath. First milk.

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And then we prepared for her birthday party, and I felt guilty that I had made it on the same day as her actual birthday because I felt that we weren’t getting to spend quality time with her…

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Birthday beans!!

We had to relocate inside, because the wind and rain were threatening to knock over everything.

I was so proud of the bunting I made, until I realized it was too big, but too late to fix it. 

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I know it’s cliche’ to say it, but I seriously can’t believe how fast this year went. I know I’ve spent time taking her in. Enjoying every face, every cry, every milestone. I still knew it was going to slip through my fingers, I hoped it wouldn’t,  but it did. Lilli starts kindergarten in 24 days, and Shepherd will be in pre-k, and I have a walking one year old.

Her name literally means, from the river of paradise. Before she was born, we prayed that the Lord would guide us in choosing her name. We knew River was her name one day while Lilli was singing ‘peace like a river’ over and over again, but her middle name didn’t come to us until her due date. Our first baby, the baby we had lost before I became pregnant with Lilli, we had named Eden. For some reason that day, I knew we should name her after baby Eden. I was still a little unsure though, not knowing if it would diminish the legacy of our son or daughter that we had lost. But now I know it was right. This year with her has brought so much healing. The Holy Spirit has been healing us, working on us and guiding us. We have been refreshed and blessed, and it has been a steady stream of events. Like a refreshing river in our desert.

River Eden, this year has been so full. Full of purpose, calling, blessings and love. You are so loved by all of us and a joy to be around. With your silly smiles, little grey eyes, flowing locks, elephant hand, Africa on your belly and baby babbles, you make every day more beautiful. I love you so, so much.

“When the poor and needy seek water, and there is none, and their tongue is parched with thirst, I the LORD will answer them; I the God of Israel will not forsake them. I will open rivers on the bare heights, and fountains in the midst of valleys. I will make the wilderness a pool of water, and the dry land springs of water. I will put in the wilderness the cedar, the acacia, the myrtle, and the olive. I will set in the desert the cypress, the plane and the pine together, and they may see and know, may consider and understand together, that the hand of the LORD has done this, the Holy One of Israel has created it.” -Isaiah 41:17-20

As you’ve probably figured out, I procrastinate. I get overwhelmed and I shut down. So, instead of posting really long, photo filled posts on this blog, I am going to try and post shorter more frequent snippets of what’s happening over here. Maybe it will help me post on a regular basis. That is all. Enjoy.

I am obviously trying out a new technique in these photos.  And no, it’s not Instagram. I was inspired by photographer Tim Sondrup.

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Let’s address the tiny elephant in the room, shall we? River has a bun.

River and I flew in to Nashville on March 20th, and we left the 26th. I was extremely blessed to sit next to incredibly patient people on the plane. A couple of them were moms. They had to have been. One lady without saying a word, made River’s bottle like a pro, reached down into my bag for me when I needed something, and held her while I ate my sandwich. She was awesome. Everyone else I sat in between on each plane was almost as helpful as she was,  except for the guy having a panic attack next to me from Houston to Nashville, but once he settled down and stopped creeping me out, he was nice too. You know, when he wasn’t pulling his hair or trying to steady his breathing, or checking his watch literally every minute… anyway, I was incredibly surprised by how helpful people were to me. I thought I would be treated like junk for bringing my baby on the plane, but River was an amazingly good traveler. She even napped in my lap.

I don’t really know where to start.

I’ll start with this. I put parchment paper in the broiler.

Woopsie.

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I can’t focus on exactly where I’m going with this post, but to keep myself from putting this off until tomorrow, I’ll just post in chunks. Bear with me.

Cutie pie cousins, Enoch and River, who are the same size.

I started calling Enoch “lines and dots” because he has so many of them when he smiles! You never know where to look.

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Josh and Enoch.

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One of my favorite nights in Nashville was the night I took their family photos. You can view more of my favorites from their session at MirabalPhotography.com.

Okay. Deb and I laughed hysterically for 5 minutes straight because of this last photo. We decided that she looks like a very solemn momma orangutan. I swear, every time I see an orangutan at the zoo holding her baby, she’s making this face. Stephen doesn’t get it.

Count those chins. Three.

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More Enoch…

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Before I go any further, I have a confession. I am incredibly shy. It’s something I wish I knew how to fix. In Nashville I learned that I have fans! I am so grateful that I’m not writing this to 3 people. It’s validating to know that people… well, like me. And to my self-proclaimed stalkers, I promise, I stalk you too. Really. I’ve seen your wedding photos, family photos, I know your kids’ names (creepy?), I know who you’ve recently started dating, I know what country you’re moving to, I’ve gotten emotional looking at photos of your births… I loved finally meeting you all. I feel like I already know you because of Deb. In my head I kept thinking, okay, Brittany, take photos of all these ladies. Have Deb take pictures of you with them. I really planned on documenting all of you, but I totally chickened out. I even tried praying for courage before entering social situations, but all I could muster as a prayer was,  ”God, please help me not be so awkward.”

One of these instances was at a “mother blessing” for Deb. She shared the birth story of Enoch. Some of the ladies in her community shared their wisdom and prayed for her. It was really intimate, and a great thing to do for new mommas. I was brave enough to photograph Deb, Enoch, and Jude, who was so, so cute.

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River loved Josh.

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Another time that I should have been whipping out my camera like mad, was at Bible study. I didn’t. Bummer.

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What else… River took silly baths in a bath bucket.

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I got to spend a lot of quality time with Deb. We watched a semi-crappy movie, watched Darryl Pandy in action, almost peed our pants over text fails, almost peed again when we decided Orangutan Sadness would be an awesome band name.

It’s crazy how fast 6 days went.

The humidity did a number on my hair.

We obviously both use our hands a lot when we laugh or something.

I miss Deb. I missed Deb the second I walked away from her at the airport. And as creepy as it sounds (I’m just all around creepy right now…),  I remember how baby Enoch’s hair smelled when I left. I miss Josh too. But leaving Deb this time was different. She’s been with me through some of the most significant things in my life. I know that sounds exaggerated, but it’s true. I remember laying on a hammock one night under the stars, asking the Lord to direct my life. At that point I knew I was going to marry Stephen. He had no idea. We didn’t even start dating for another year, but I just knew it. Anyway, Deb came out and laid on the hammock with me, and even though she and I hadn’t really gotten to know each other before then, I knew she was going to be my sister one day. She was my first roommate, I confided in her. She was in my wedding, and left the very next day to live in Nashville. I called her when I was heartbroken because I wanted a baby. I wanted her with me when I miscarried our first baby. She was there for River’s birth. I miss her.

This time it was different to leave because– we’re mommas together. She and my babies have a little bit of the same blood (creepy? true.) It’s hard to explain.

Anyway, there you have it. My Nashville trip in a nutshell. Whatever that means.

*Bibs come in handy for toddlers who don’t know how to wipe their noses on anything besides their arms, shirts, your couch, your pants, your bare arms, your shower curtain.You just have to change it every 20 minutes and make sure they don’t suck on it…

I’m praying they all heal up quickly! And the Hayes babies too! Too much sickness going around.

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The weather here has been it’s typical, fickle self. February, March and April in New Mexico can never decide if it’s spring or not. Today it was almost 60, but the wind was out of control. And tonight and tomorrow it’s supposed to snow. Boo.

They were watching the snow fall when I walked in.

I can’t wait for spring. Well, summer, really. Here are a few of my fav-o-rite spring/summer things:

~Blossoms on the trees

~green

~iced coffee with heavy cream

~dresses

~heavenly 74 degree weather

~warm rain

~walks in Berg park

~picnics

~watching my kids play in the front yard

~baby swimsuits

~grassy feet

~robins

~warm photo shoots

~bbqs

~swimming lessons

~ice cream

~ having a tan  being a shade less white

~having a reason to shave my legs

~fighting the urge to run through sprinklers in the medians

~Lilli’s dresses

~Shepherd’s flip flop feet

~not having to worry about catching every single thing that’s going around.

Maybe someday…

Last Friday, two lovely young ladies came over to watch Lilli and Shepherd for a few hours so that Stephen and I could grab some lunch and then head up to Durango for my birthday. As usual, River was our cute little third wheel.

There is this really cute antique shop in Durango I wanted to walk around in. Usually Stephen is pretty impatient when he shops with me, but I think we’ve discovered something to keep him busy. He brought in my camera and took  photos of everything. So, obviously, the next photos are courtesy of Stephen keeping himself entertained.

We were a cute little bunch. Now, creepy photo montage courtesy of Stephen.

Stephen: “This one is actually kind of pretty.” — Me: “Yeah. If you consider blood sucking and brain eating pretty.”

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Next, dinner at Cypress Cafe’. It was freaking awesome. So awesome in fact, that I forgot to take a photo of my food when it came out. Kalamata olives, pita bread, tzajiki, hummus, baba ganoush, feta… and then the entree’… chargrilled beef tenderloin with horseradish mashed potatoes and a roasted poblano pepper stuffed with feta and fontina cheese… I could eat that meal daily.

River sat in a high chair for the first time. She loved it, but just wanted to slap the table the entire time.

(Below: We seem rather stoic…)

So, I thought I would end this post with something insightful and poetic, but my mind is blank. I just keep fighting desperately to keep myself from singing I’m not a girl, not yet a woman (Britney Spears)…

I’m twenty six. I don’t feel any different than I did on my 20th birthday, which is good I guess. Most women are getting their life started right now, and I have already been married almost 7 years and I have 3 children! God has blessed me greatly and He continues to do so daily. I believe this year has a lot of new adventures in store for my family, and that God will shape us more and more in the things we face. I’ve learned a lot about myself this last year. Mostly things I want and need to change, but I think that it’s a really good place for me to be. Like Christian Lindskog from Blindside sings, “Ain’t it something to know you’re lost..” I am so grateful that I’m not blind to my sin and shortcomings. My goal for my 26th year? I want to be more willing to change. To change my attitude towards my husband. To change my day to day routine to allow more adventures and spontaneity for my kids. To change my plan to the Lord’s plan. To change my closed mindset and just have faith. Hopefully a year from now I can report back that my 26th year was full of awesome changes.

Happy birthday to me.